I’ve been a lot of places in the past several months, and probably could have posted more, but I was out living life instead of blogging about it. Mostly the trips and days were good, full of promise, with a lot of laughs. Other times I’ve wandered restlessly, my truth sort of unsettled in me, waiting to root, like those times when a seed finally blossoms into a flower but looks a little ragged at first. Sometimes I’m just not sure what to say, so I don’t say anything, not wanting to force something into the gaps in my wisdom just for the sake of filling space.
But I think about you, I promise I do. I thought about posting for the MLK holiday, but then figured if for some reason you were standing in your kitchen thinking, “Well, hell. I sure do wish Terri would write something about Martin Luther King Day!” you would hear me say, “Fear not, gentle reader! You can find a previous post with all my random babbling about that topic here.“
I thought about posting when we got back from Santa Fe in the fall, and around the holidays. I thought about posting when we published our first little hospice booklet with Wings of Change Publications. I thought about posting when we moved (yeah, again) into our bigger office, and I thought about posting about Huckleberry, our new therapy dog. He’s cute, huh? I’m not sure if he’s support staff, or staff support, but he’s at the office with us sometimes and in puppy school sometimes. Over time he’ll be with us more and more, practicing his therapy dog skills.
I thought about posting when so much violence gripped our own city and made headlines all over the planet, and I thought about posting when bombs went off in other places as well. I thought about posting during the floods here, and when Snowmegedden reached the east coast. I thought about posting a lot, but in truth, sometimes I wonder if one more opinion really matters. Especially my opinion, one that is often so rambling and convoluted.
But then in the deepest part of last night, when the dawn was still hours away, I sat and watched the sky, and let my mind wander over the past years with all of you. The convergence of planets was dancing with the full moon, cascading a soft, almost eerie glow through the skylights of my humble little loft, and I thought of all of you, and how much has come to pass, how life is an odd thing. Timeless and eternal, always coming and going, ebbing and flowing, and I just let the memories kind of wash over me. I thought of my old house in the city, and how much we’ve all been through together the past 15 years. I thought of how many of you have crossed my threshold in a variety of offices in our fair city, and how honored and grateful I am to have been your shaman, shrink, herbalist, coach, sounding board and friend.
I thought about how grateful I am that we’ve all sort of walked and trudged the path together, that we all supported each other’s businesses and lives. A lot has happened in these past 15 years. Many of us have lost parents or other loved ones, kids have gone off to school, there have been marriages and divorces, people have gotten sick and well, things have been lost and found. So I thought of all of that, and wanted to say hi, and thanks, and give you an update on the happenin’s round here.
From the glut of emails I have here asking for support, appointments, herbs for tummies, herbs for fevers, herbs for this lingering, hacking cough going around, it appears as though this year began in kind of a rough place for some folks. Not deeply tumultuously rough from external circumstances necessarily, but itchy, uncomfortable, restless. So much is changing so fast, and this time seems flavored with angst and yearning. Mercury retrograde, many say. “Hell, yeah,” says I, “blame it on a distant planet!” Because really, how can you argue with that?
So, if you are looking for support, it’s here for you. We can make an appointment, or you can come to a retreat. We’re booking into July for those at this point, so if that’s on your radar or you have the inclination to do an individual healing intensive in 2016, get in touch with us sooner rather than later. We have all kinds of new, cool stuff at the new office. We are booking into March and April for regular appointments, into July and beyond for retreats. We’re trying to plan a group retreat in New Mexico in the fall. We are doing all kinds of cool trauma work and EMDR. I love partnering with Becky Wallace for all this, and I think she’s getting used to my weirdness. We’re stocking Mother Earth Pillows again, and NOW products, and we have all kinds of cool essential oils and herbs, teas and balms, and other fun and funky healing mojo. We have a juju to heal what ails you, be it body, mind or spirit. I’m sure of it.
But if you just need a pep talk, you don’t really need an appointment for that. I guess what I want to remind you is that no matter what, you are good. I’d add that your current situation is not your final destination, things always change and this will, too. Remember that you will receive the love you think you deserve, that you are a child of the universe and it is your Divine right to be happy and healthy and whole and free.
Your time and life force are way too valuable to spend wasting on people who can’t accept how awesome you are, who are afraid of your Light. Love yourself in spite of their inadequacies, because I promise: their inability to love you is about them, not you. It’s a sad fact in life that everyone isn’t going to love you, even the ones you really wish would or could. Usually they can’t even love themselves, so as painful as it is, it’s not about you that they can’t give the love you really deserve. Let them feel the weight of your greatness, of who you really are, and deal with it. It’s easy to feel unlovable when people can’t care for you or connect with you in the way you need. But their lack of capacity isn’t a reflection of your worth or intrinsic value. Breathe into that, then touch your wounds with forgiveness, especially for yourself.
You don’t have to be a prisoner of your past or your personal history, you can instead be an architect of your future happiness. Seek peace, and give it to yourself. Smile, breathe, and go forward…gently. Grant yourself the gift of unconditional friendliness. Trust your love. See the light in others, and in yourself, and then act as if that’s all there is. Trust your love some more.
It’s hard to do that sometimes. I get it, I really do. But sometimes you have to ask yourself if you want the pain of staying where you are, or the pain of growth. For the record, growth is optional, and not everyone chooses it. Know that sometimes it feels like we are lost in our pain, but that same pain eventually becomes its own medicine, its own cure. During those times, remember too that there are times in life when we live in the questions, and times when we live in the answers. I’ve learned that you really do have to be patient with both. That patience always leads to good things, I promise. Those lonely hours are not spent in vain, they somehow strengthen your wings so that when the light comes again, you will have the courage to fly.
You have this one life. How do you want to spend it? Running after people who can’t see how amazing you are? Trying another diet? Hating yourself? Apologizing or regretting? Forget it. Be brave, like you know you are under all that pain. Believe in yourself. Trust your love. Do what feels right, what feeds your soul. Make yourself proud. Go for it. You can do it. I’m already proud of you, I already believe in you. You were wild and hopeful once. Don’t let them tame that out of you.
Love yourself. Forgive yourself. Forgive them if you feel up to it, but mostly just focus on loving and forgiving yourself. Not just once, but as many times as it takes, as many times as it takes to find your peace again. Then, go forward in that peace and love.
If you want some help with all of that, or want some herbs or some feel-good, get in touch. But mostly, at least for today, just breathe. Breathe and trust your love. I’m proud of you and feel blessed to be part of your path. Thanks for sharing it with me.